I feel grumbly today. That’s like a combination of grumpy and just agitated all mixed together. I went to bed last night around 10:30, further cementing that whole turning into my mother thing. I got hornswoggled into going to a party tonight, so I’m hoping that I can improve my general demeanor soon. It’s the birthday celebration of someone that I adore and have known for a long time so I’m going to try not to a scrooge. Plus, there will be costumes, how could it be bad with costumes?

I just had a really delicious dinner with my husband, something we haven’t done in a good, long while. Yesterday, we stopped and realized that next year, we’ll have been together for a decade. A decade is practically a million years, or you know, just ten.

Marriage is trying. So, so trying and I never want to sour anyone against it but I also never want to paint it as this world of infinte bliss. This last 8 months has been some of the toughest I’ve ever experienced in my marriage and I’m sure there are many trying times ahead. But we continue to try. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I’m so thankful to be in this place, in this time.

a year ago

So it’s been almost 18 months since I had weight-loss surgery and I’m still alive. I was reading this post about a post secret postcard and it immediately made me bristle. I don’t want to be the girl who’s always defending her decision to do something that I think ultimately was right for me. Right for me. May not be right for you, but was the right thing for me

.

Even though I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m still fat and I probably always will be, at least my most guidelines and standards, overweight - and I’m okay with that. But, I hate this notion that I’ve mutilated myself - like I’m less of a person or less capable of supporting other fat people because I had surgery. I wasn’t looking for love nor friends when I had surgery - those were things that I’d already had. How other people perceived me has definitely changed and I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t - but that’s okay - that’s not really my problem.

What I’m trying to say (I think?) is that even though there are 185 pounds of me gone, I still get it. And even if I lose a crapton more, I still get it. I know what it’s like and I haven’t sold out. I made a choice. One you might not like, but it was mine to make and it would be nice to feel like it’s okay. Ultimately, I’m not seeking to be validated but I want people to know (particularly people within the fat acceptance communities) that having surgery was not something I took lightly and it’s changed my life like nothing else I’ve ever done, but I still am very aware of what it’s like to be fat. I’m still one of you.

a year ago